“Dear Diary” (Paul Ryan Chronicles)

“It’s a very good start. It’s actually an excellent start,” Ryan said of the bill, known as the American Health Care Act.

The Washington Post

March 15

4pm

Dear Diary,

Hello. This is Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House. And Man of Chloe’s House, if you know what I mean 😉 I’m so freaked out right now. According to The Washington Post, I’m fucking drowning. Like, they keep saying the words, “Ryan urged the senators.” As if I’m their whore. And I get that I sound like an idiot every time I say, “TRILLION DOLLAR TAX CUT” but really. Who are we kidding. It’s super true.

Chloe is not buying it. She’s bitching about a bunch of small things. Like ‘senior healthcare’ and I even think she muttered, “John McCain could do it better,” as we went to bed last night.

7pm

Diary,

Chloe here.

See what I mean. Under that fabulous widows peak is the brain of a squirrel. He is so out of my league.

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Paul Ryan, you sexy beast

Trigger warning: an ode to a fascist Repubican I love to hate.

#SavePaulRyan #dumptrump

January 26th, 2017

4:15pm

Hey Diary, it’s Chloe the homebreaker again.

I’m getting fucking sick of this bull, i.e. Trumpie and PenCity trying to run away with my man. What slots. Yeah, I said it. Slots!!!!!! Because Trumps a friggin gambling Queen, and I can’t have more babies running around my house. I got two kids and a Speaker of the house that can’t breast feed because “It’s a woman’s job.”

7:10pm

Wine intake: 2 cabernets

Weight: 11o

Belly fat:12 lbs

And that’s just me, not the Speaker of the House.

9pm

Paulie is just so tired that he asked our atheist black neighbor to rpaul-ryan-somberaise our children. Not that that isn’t a little sweet because it was Black History Month but isn’t that the definition of racism?

February 28th

4am

It’s the big day. Trump will make his ‘speech’. Behind Trump’s back, I call him “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell” ).

Not sure how to handle it, my boo drank 2 and a half Ensures today. Not my recommendation. But he handled it well! And he was so cute with that–I-will-tolerate -you and that widow’s peak and that milky face that screamed “I am not a cheeto”.

giphy


March 1st

I’m having my baby tomorrow. I’m super scared but can’t wait to see her face. Paul Ryan got so hysterical that he bought a Mom car–a minivan. I tried to tell him he was wearing himself out. “Chloe, if I don’t do this now, I won’t have the energy or nerve to replace and repeal Obama-Care.” He told me once he secretly didn’t care about the issue, but he was giving birth. I don’t hold it against him. 😉

But that shiny minivan…That thing means we’re that family. Instead of a mom and a dad and two kids…now we have a minivan.

Thoughts While Watching a Homoerotic Movie for the First Time

 

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Watching: Weekend

Rating: R (drugs, sex, and cursing, oh my!)

Summary: A 2011 British romantic drama film directed by Andrew Haigh. The film stars Tom Cullen and Chris New as two men who meet and begin a sexual relationship the week before one of them plans to leave the country.


  1. Wow, the main character doesn’t look or act gay… Definitely played by a straight man.
  2. He’s so shy. Do his friends and family know he’s gay?
  3. Who makes the first move in a gay nightclub? The more dominant one? The taller one?
  4. Russell is taking coffee to his ONS…
  5. Wow, they are super cute together.
  6. When Russell says he doesn’t like anal sex, I think he’s lying to himself.
  7. Oooh, does admitting you like anal sex make you “too gay” in Russell’s eyes? Maybe bc penetration is animalistic and final.
  8. People yell ‘queer’ at gay people’s windows? God, it’s 2011 when this was made. Get a grip.
  9. If people knew Russell was gay, would they still let him lifeguard? I’m not sure… In America… not sure either.
  10. Ooohh, Russ is texting Glen… Definitely wants the D.
  11. [In the locker room, when these guys are getting descriptive about having sex with a woman] How isolating that must be. You have to hear about something you can’t relate to at all. If I was in his situation, I would feel ashamed at being different and uncomfortable.Weekend-1
  12. It’s like they don’t know how to act around each other now that they’ve met again. And it’s so odd because I’m used to thinking of it as a male-female thing.
  13. They are at Russ’s place. Russ is making tea. Glen takes off his jacket, casually feeling out Russ to see if he wants to have sex. Glen is assertive. I like this.
  14. “You think talking about sex is dirty?” says Glen. Very interesting question. I like Glen a lot now, because I see him as very sexually progressive. He also makes a valid point when he says, “Gay people never talk about [their sex life] in public. I think it’s because they’re ashamed.”
  15. You definitely figure out who you want to be through sex.weekend04
  16. The sex scene: I was definitely aroused. Is this weird? I feel guilty or ashamed. But at the same time, I loved how happy they were when they had sex/made love.
  17. I wonder if I find it sexy because they both fit the masculine stereotype? I don’t know if I’d be as aroused if their voices were higher or their jawline more pronounced.
  18. Russ doesn’t look happy after sex. He cleans off the semen, which is a gentle rejection of Glen. And when they kiss, it’s clear Glen wants more.
  19. The news: very sad. Glen tries to stifle his passion.
  20. The word “faggot” is a source of pride for Glen, but a source of shame for Russ.
  21. They can’t kiss in a bar. That’s so sad.
  22. NOOO!! Don’t do coke! Coke is bad for you!
  23. I totally understand what Russ is saying about marriage. It’s so wonderful to say that you love someone despite what others think. And to decide to spend the rest of your life together…
  24. No, Glen! Don’t break Russell’s heart!!
  25. Wow, to let Glen be top is a really big step for Russ–it means trust.
  26. At first, I thought Glen wanted a relationship. Now Russ wants one.
  27. Russ feels so awkward at his goddaughter’s party.
  28. I don’t want Russ to try to persuade Glen to leave. I want Glen to admit he doesn’t want to go to America because he loves Russ. weekend
  29. Aw. They don’t get together. But I think that’s the most realistic ending. Not everyone can be i n a relationship. It’s great that Glen wants to finally pursue his dream. And maybe they’ll get together eventually, who knows?

The Eccentric Collection

For all you wackadoos who love weird-ass movies, I’ve compiled a list of my favorites.

 

Amélie

So, little Amelie, your bones aren’t made of glass. You can take life’s knocks. If you let this chance go by, eventually your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton. So… Go and get him, for pete’s sake!

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

My crotch is still here, just as you remembered it.

 

 

Cloud Atlas

I  believe death is only a door, when it closes, another opens. If I care to imagine heaven. I would imagine a door opening. And behind it, I would find him there, waiting for me.

Scott Pilgrim VS the World

Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.

Daydream Nation

Caroline: If you have the audacity… the… inaccuracy… to describe me as “ethereal,” as some flawless, perfect thing, then fuck you.

Barry: Wha—

Caroline: No, fuck you. You don’t know anything about me. The only reason you think I am ethereal is because all we do is have sex and flirt and have sex.

Barry: There is more to you than that.

Caroline: I know that! I know! But I’m not here to save you. I’m the main character of my life!

A Beautiful Life

If I die tomorrow, I’ll have no regrets because I have seen you.

Juno

Vanessa: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.

Juno: Nah… I mean, I’m already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?

Electrick Children

 I accelerate down a road I have not yet traversed. I travel beyond the red walls of a home I can not again call my home.

Big Fish

It occurred to me then, that perhaps the reason for my growth was I was intended for larger things. After all, a giant man can’t have an ordinary-sized life.

Continue reading “The Eccentric Collection”

“Electrick Children” and “How I Live Now” are Survivalist at Core

These films pose creative and enduring women at the heart of the survival story that is life.
These films pose creative and enduring women at the heart of the survival story that is life.

I’ve always admired the cinematically odd when it comes to the film industry, and it may come as no surprise that I am watching more and more of them due to my brother’s Netflix subscription and my own procrastination. There is something to be said about weird-ass movies, and just how brilliantly they portray the confusion, the intricacy, and at times the futility of life. This review is part of The Eclectic Collection.

Continue reading ““Electrick Children” and “How I Live Now” are Survivalist at Core”

The Game of Thrones Sex Scene Can’t Be Both Rape and Not Rape

TIME

[SPOILERS AHEAD]

Sunday night on Game of Thrones, Jaime forced himself on Cersei. This was problematic for a number of reasons: they’re siblings; they were having sex next to their son’s dead body; and said dead son was the product of their incest. But the biggest problem with that scene was that Jaime raped Cersei…and some of the people on the Game of Thrones cast and crew who have been interviewed about the episode don’t seem to acknowledge it as such.

Margaret Lyons over at Vulture has already done a great job of explaining why, exactly, that scene was rape. (Cersei says “no” repeatedly, to which Jaime replies, “I don’t care.”) In the piece, she quotes two of the Game of Thrones folks hedging against actually calling the assault “rape.”

Director Alex Graves told Alan Sepinwall at HitFix: “It becomes consensual by the end.”

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, the actor who…

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