Paul Ryan isn’t running for re-election (The Paul Ryan Diaries)

Note: This is an update to the Paul Ryan Diaries I started last year. It is long overdue, and I’m sorry. The narrator in no way expresses all my opinions but is a character based off of me. This is entirely fictional.

April 11th, 2018

Well, dear diary. We meet again. You have been my confidant but my enemy. I have no idea why I am even writing. Except there has been a lot of shit going on.

  1. I have two fucking one-year-olds. They want to cry all the time. I don’t know if I mentioned it, but my daughter’s name is Michelle. Paul got mad because he has a tiff with Michelle Obama. He says it’s because she married Obama, who is apparently a Muslim according to Republicans. I don’t think that’s the reason. I snooped in his phone, and he texted Schumer that he thought she looked glorious in her pregnancy photos. Don’t tell him I know that.
  2. I am graduating from college soon. At the age of 23. And my only object is to be the trashy Plainfield girlfriend who looks after the kids. I do love my children. Tucker is as mopey as Michelle.
  3. Paul is not running for re-election.

//players.brightcove.net/293884104/SJa0Thl7_default/index.html?videoId=5269456978001

He said it. He consulted me. I think it’s pretty clear what has happened. The Prez looks as guilty as Mark Zuckerburg during the confessional hearings. Ha! As if Teddie Cruz is a priest. I miss making fun of Ted. The only thing he’s done worthwhile is like a porn tweet. 😦 I expected more (porn) from you, Ted. I expected more.

When the Speaker got home, we played a nice game of Twister, if you get my jist. 😉 Guess that’s not very subtle. We did it. I did it with my boyfriend. It was very good. I am a sex goddess. He told me so. He was in a great mood after announcing his retirement. He danced when he saw me.

He said, “Chloe. You are beautiful. Will you do me the honor…”

Here I froze. He wasn’t going to propose naked, was he? On the other hand, I quite liked the scene where Pierce Brosnan showers Halle Berry in diamonds while in a devilish position.

“…of having another baby with me?”

I could not find words. I was very disappointed that he did not want to marry me. In truth, I had already started a Pinterest board of wedding ideas. Kim Kardashian and Jane Fonda were invited. Kanye could fuck himself. I do not forgive him for the Taylor Swift incident.

“Paul,” I finally said. “Are you of this planet? I just gave birth–we both gave birth–a year ago. We got two freakin’ kids. The only way I pacify them is by shoving iPads down their throats and threatening them with Catholic school. Not like they understand, but it soothes me.”

“But you know I want a big family.”

“What, you want a repeat of the Duggars? You know how that shit ended. I am keeping my little friend, Miss IUD,” I concluded.

“Don’t I get to play a part in this?”

“You know how you compared fetuses to beans? Well, I like beans. In moderation. But there is a reason edamame is not as popular as wine and chocolate.”

“I consider children more like green beans,” he admitted.

“Do they have the bacon and grease in them?”

“No. I only have 6%-8% body fat, and I don’t want to lose my figure.”

“Then no children. There aren’t enough pots to cook them in,” I said.

“How many pots do we need??”

“MORE THAN TWO POTS, PAUL RYAN!”

And then we went to bed. Well, I went on the sofa. Paul still has nightmares about Putin. Something about how he’s stealing all his stilettos and he has nothing to wear to the Zombie-themed prom.

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“Dear Diary” (Paul Ryan Chronicles)

“It’s a very good start. It’s actually an excellent start,” Ryan said of the bill, known as the American Health Care Act.

The Washington Post

March 15

4pm

Dear Diary,

Hello. This is Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House. And Man of Chloe’s House, if you know what I mean 😉 I’m so freaked out right now. According to The Washington Post, I’m fucking drowning. Like, they keep saying the words, “Ryan urged the senators.” As if I’m their whore. And I get that I sound like an idiot every time I say, “TRILLION DOLLAR TAX CUT” but really. Who are we kidding. It’s super true.

Chloe is not buying it. She’s bitching about a bunch of small things. Like ‘senior healthcare’ and I even think she muttered, “John McCain could do it better,” as we went to bed last night.

7pm

Diary,

Chloe here.

See what I mean. Under that fabulous widows peak is the brain of a squirrel. He is so out of my league.

Paul Ryan, you sexy beast

Trigger warning: an ode to a fascist Repubican I love to hate.

#SavePaulRyan #dumptrump

January 26th, 2017

4:15pm

Hey Diary, it’s Chloe the homebreaker again.

I’m getting fucking sick of this bull, i.e. Trumpie and PenCity trying to run away with my man. What slots. Yeah, I said it. Slots!!!!!! Because Trumps a friggin gambling Queen, and I can’t have more babies running around my house. I got two kids and a Speaker of the house that can’t breast feed because “It’s a woman’s job.”

7:10pm

Wine intake: 2 cabernets

Weight: 11o

Belly fat:12 lbs

And that’s just me, not the Speaker of the House.

9pm

Paulie is just so tired that he asked our atheist black neighbor to rpaul-ryan-somberaise our children. Not that that isn’t a little sweet because it was Black History Month but isn’t that the definition of racism?

February 28th

4am

It’s the big day. Trump will make his ‘speech’. Behind Trump’s back, I call him “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell” ).

Not sure how to handle it, my boo drank 2 and a half Ensures today. Not my recommendation. But he handled it well! And he was so cute with that–I-will-tolerate -you and that widow’s peak and that milky face that screamed “I am not a cheeto”.

giphy


March 1st

I’m having my baby tomorrow. I’m super scared but can’t wait to see her face. Paul Ryan got so hysterical that he bought a Mom car–a minivan. I tried to tell him he was wearing himself out. “Chloe, if I don’t do this now, I won’t have the energy or nerve to replace and repeal Obama-Care.” He told me once he secretly didn’t care about the issue, but he was giving birth. I don’t hold it against him. 😉

But that shiny minivan…That thing means we’re that family. Instead of a mom and a dad and two kids…now we have a minivan.

Dear Hillary Clinton

Hi! This is Chloe over in Indianapolis, Indiana. I am here to get a few things off my chest.

I think you should reevaluate how you can appeal to young voters, specifically those that have indicated they would vote for Senator Bernie Sanders in the primary election. I am a great brain to pick, as I am a female Bernie Sanders supporter. I have campaigned for Senator Sanders for several months now, and I am here to tell you how disappointed I was at what Madeline Albright and Gloria Steinem said about women like me. Really, people should be proud to see women voting for whoever they choose! So long ago, we didn’t have that right.

Why are we going to hell because we won’t vote for you? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I had to support every woman simply because that is her gender identity and we share it?? Should I support Ann Coulter too? How about Sarah Palin or Carly Fiorina? It is so ridiculous that women are being shamed for their voting preferences in 2016. If I want to vote for someone, gender has nothing to do with it.

And as for Gloria Steinem—I will save the seat next to me in Hell for Steinem and her sexist bullshit. To say that I only campaign for Bernie because that is where the boys are? Too many assumptions. And here I will destroy her nonsense:

  1. Many women DGAF about guys
  2. Many women are indeed lesbians, asexual, or celibate
  3. “Yeah, I’m DTF 😉 Let me finish passing out these fliers and voter registration cards,” said no one ever.
  4. Also: “I’m so glad I’m meeting all these single, available, democratic socialists! It was really worth three hours of canvassing and phone banking!” Yeah, right.
  5. *Shocker* Women are passionate about politics, too

I love reading about politics. Admittedly, I am not a political wizard, but I do know that you can’t keep attacking women to get their vote. You can’t expect things to be handed to you because of gender, and many of your accomplishments weren’t handed to you! I will settle in for a good term if you win the election because you aren’t a bad person. I admire you. You are just worried you don’t have it in the bag. I want more thoughtful, honest women elected, but not just because they are female. Because they are great Americans.

 

 

Thank you, and please make Bernie your running mate if you win the primary. You will get all the young voters. #electiongoals

A(nother) black teen is arrested, and people are pissed off

D.C. Skyline
D.C. Skyline

I witnessed this encounter in a DC metro station several hours ago. It was right after my friends and I passed police arresting a very young black man. We didn’t see much of what had happened, but as we were lining up to go through the gates, we witnessed three black men fighting. Two were metro workers/security, and the other was a pedestrian. The pedestrian was yelling.

Pedestrian: He’s 14, man! What the fuck don’t you understand? These are your people! 

Metro 1: No… [Inaudible; disagreement]

Pedestrian: Dude, they raped our mothers, they killed and enslaved us for hundreds of years! Why you not doing anything? … [Walking away] Fuck you guys, fuck you! Fuck you all, you’re niggers! You’re a nigger!

Altogether an upsetting scene. I looked to a friend, and I thought I saw tears in her eyes.

Black-lives-matter

This is a perfect example not only of the systematic stereotyping that police officers engage in, but also the outrage people feel regarding this abuse of power. It made me wonder if there was some tension in the black community about the Black Lives Matter movement. Perhaps the dissenting workers were afraid they would lose their job if they agreed with the pedestrian. Maybe they thought the police were in the right.

I can’t tell you what to think. I have changed my opinion on the dealings in Ferguson and South Carolina and etc.. so many times, and it never gets easier. The best I can say is that the pedestrian fighting for that boy was incensed. To feel like the system is failing your community is heartbreaking.