Better luck next time

Note: this is political satire. paul ryan is, sadly, not cheating on his wife with me.

March 26th

9am

So I’m watching TV in my cute little pajamas, eating ice cream with rum (sorry, mom) and some good ol’ Fox television when some orange bimbo comes on and says that the repeal of Obamacare failed because of Paul!

“Paul Ryan needs to step down as speaker of the House,” Pirro said. “The reason? He failed to deliver the votes on his health care bill. The one trumpeted to repeal and replace Obamacare. The one that he had seven years to work on. The one he hid under lock and key in the basement of Congress. The one that had to be pulled to prevent the embarrassment of not having enough votes to pass.”

Well, you know what, Ms. Pirro? Paul Ryan is an excellent speaker of the House! The reason? He’s a good man and an even better lover. Yes, Obamacare is terrible because it actually helps many people around the United States. Yes, no one should experience that much freedom or get coverage despite previous conditions. No one should feel safe in America. And Paul knows that. So it takes more than 7 years? So what. It took me 22 years to find Paul.

11am

Speaking of freedom, I have nothing to do. I’m terribly lonely. I went to the store one day to buy some chocolate and get some baby food, and I found myself talking to the store clerk for 15 minutes. Paul is rarely home now that Donald is finally being presidential. His wife is supposed to sign the divorce papers soon, though.

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Oh, Paul. TLC–Tender, Loving (Obama)care

March 23rd

11pm

Paul has not breastfed in 10 days. The new healthcare act is under intense scrutiny by Republicans as well as Democrats. Ha. Like there are democrats in Congress. Like Trump can be persuasive. Or even a real president.

11:20pm

Oh god. The Speaker just came in. “I’m sick of Trump trying to blame Obama. There was no wire-tap! I mean, come on! Who thought that Dorito Man would ever become the Commander in Chief? More like commander of bleach! Am I right, Chloe-bear? Because he is blond?”

“Oh, honey, go to bed.”

March 24

12:50am

“I can’t sleep, baby,” Paul softly murmurs as he cradles me in his strong, pale arms.

“Why?”I ask, stroking his vampire face.

“I just keep thinking about Obama.”

“What?”

Paul Ryan sighs. “I just miss him. This is too hard. I want maternity leave.”

“Paul, you already took maternity leave.”

“If Trump can golf, I can go back to mu-mu’s and intense sleep aids.”

“Dear Diary” (Paul Ryan Chronicles)

“It’s a very good start. It’s actually an excellent start,” Ryan said of the bill, known as the American Health Care Act.

The Washington Post

March 15

4pm

Dear Diary,

Hello. This is Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House. And Man of Chloe’s House, if you know what I mean 😉 I’m so freaked out right now. According to The Washington Post, I’m fucking drowning. Like, they keep saying the words, “Ryan urged the senators.” As if I’m their whore. And I get that I sound like an idiot every time I say, “TRILLION DOLLAR TAX CUT” but really. Who are we kidding. It’s super true.

Chloe is not buying it. She’s bitching about a bunch of small things. Like ‘senior healthcare’ and I even think she muttered, “John McCain could do it better,” as we went to bed last night.

7pm

Diary,

Chloe here.

See what I mean. Under that fabulous widows peak is the brain of a squirrel. He is so out of my league.

Paul Ryan, you sexy beast

Trigger warning: an ode to a fascist Repubican I love to hate.

#SavePaulRyan #dumptrump

January 26th, 2017

4:15pm

Hey Diary, it’s Chloe the homebreaker again.

I’m getting fucking sick of this bull, i.e. Trumpie and PenCity trying to run away with my man. What slots. Yeah, I said it. Slots!!!!!! Because Trumps a friggin gambling Queen, and I can’t have more babies running around my house. I got two kids and a Speaker of the house that can’t breast feed because “It’s a woman’s job.”

7:10pm

Wine intake: 2 cabernets

Weight: 11o

Belly fat:12 lbs

And that’s just me, not the Speaker of the House.

9pm

Paulie is just so tired that he asked our atheist black neighbor to rpaul-ryan-somberaise our children. Not that that isn’t a little sweet because it was Black History Month but isn’t that the definition of racism?

February 28th

4am

It’s the big day. Trump will make his ‘speech’. Behind Trump’s back, I call him “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell” ).

Not sure how to handle it, my boo drank 2 and a half Ensures today. Not my recommendation. But he handled it well! And he was so cute with that–I-will-tolerate -you and that widow’s peak and that milky face that screamed “I am not a cheeto”.

giphy


March 1st

I’m having my baby tomorrow. I’m super scared but can’t wait to see her face. Paul Ryan got so hysterical that he bought a Mom car–a minivan. I tried to tell him he was wearing himself out. “Chloe, if I don’t do this now, I won’t have the energy or nerve to replace and repeal Obama-Care.” He told me once he secretly didn’t care about the issue, but he was giving birth. I don’t hold it against him. 😉

But that shiny minivan…That thing means we’re that family. Instead of a mom and a dad and two kids…now we have a minivan.

Paul Ryan: A Love Story

Prompt:

If Paul Ryan and I got pregnant at the same time, I’m pretty sure we’d be in the same Lamaze class. And then fall in love.

November 8th

2:36am

Hey, Diary. It’s me. Sorry I haven’t written anything recently. Quick update: Got pregnant in April. My baby’s father sells shitty trailer meth in Plainfield, IN. And I had to move to Maryland because that’s where my Dad lives. God.

2:50am

Sorry, pee break.

November 10th

7am

I’m going to Lamaze class. I don’t know why other pregnant people subject themselves to that ‘natural birth’ shit. Like, my future offspring is tiny. Pretty sure it won’t remember the drugs. Only I will, and it will be delightful.

9:35am

I met Paul Ryan there! He is another pregnant person. God, it feels so good to chillax with an older, more mature PP. We just gabbed. Compared bellies. This is his second kid. He showed me pictures.

“I was in labor with Jenny for 12 hours,” he said. “She is just so cute. When her mom and I saw the ultrasound, she was a tiny little thing. Like a bean. So we nicknamed her beanie.”

“Did you plan on eating her?”

He huffed and walked off. He’s probably texting Biden right now complaining about me. Catholic to Catholic bonding.

November 22nd

8pm

I have pre-existing medical conditions. I’m a woman who believes in separation of faith and policy. A public position and opposing personal opinion are okay because not everyone has the same life experience or background.

But for some strange, fucked up reason, I’m falling for Paul Ryan. A pregnant Paul Ryan.

I know, I know. It’s wrong. It’s sooooo wrong. Ryan looks like the devil every time he pops up on C-SPAN. He’s got those cold AF Jack Frost eyes and a widow’s peak that (let me tell you) is not fake. It’s real. Gloriously real.

8:50pm

And he basically would never dream of me, right? At the same time, he’s so pretty.

So pretty.

November 29th

God, sometimes I hate that I’m pregnant. The smug married couples around me say that it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to them.

“You’re glowing!”
“It’s so miraculous, the gift of life!”
“Childbirth is amazing–so special. No drugs. Don’t do drugs because it causes autism. And not the cute kind of autism that’s barely noticeable. The kind where you spend your whole life in a hospital. Yikes.”

And the worst: “Kids change you. They make you better.”

Am I not good enough already? Do I need to change? I look fantastic except for the bowling ball under my blouse. Long blonde hair down my back. Legs to my neck. And because of lil Kim (nicknamed after Kim Kardashian), my breasts have swelled to the size of melons.

I have a good job. Great friends. I don’t want to change.

 

December 3rd

10:20pm

I regret to say I’ve started sleeping with Paul Ryan.

I can’t help it. His wife is busy working all the time; my baby daddy is off selling drugs on 38th street.

The bedroom thing is pretty great. 😏 It’s nice to sleep next to someone at night. Cuddle. Whisper and laugh. All my ex-boyfriend did was cough a lot afterwards and go into the bathroom for 45 minutes. I still don’t know what he did in there.

If you must know, the sex is a bit like a game of twister. Or jenga. I have 27 extra pounds. Paul has 70. 70 freaking pounds. He’s very sensitive about it. Apparently Bernie Sanders made a joke about his weight gain. I saw the C-Span clip:

Bernie: Are you stressed about the election? You haven’t officially endorsed Donald Trump.

Paul: Mr. Trump and I have very different opinions about public policy. But I’m not stressed.

Bernie: Really? Because the way you’re going at those tacos, it’s like you’re trying to eat all of your problems.

It was kind of funny. But I can’t tell Paul.

December 10th

3pm

Sometimes during the middle of ‘Twister,’ the Speaker of the House mutters, “method of conception.” That’s coo’. Everybody’s got a weird sex thing. But during our first joint climax, when I was closing my eyes in ecstasy, he shouts in my ear, “AYN RAND!”

Who the hell is Ayn Rand? Should I be jealous?

December 25th

11am

Can’t talk much today. In Rockville, MA. I’m waiting for Paul to finish his family Christmas in the city. It’s agonizing, bc he has the nipple cream and I need it.

My father has no concept of personal space. He keeps making me soup and cookies and putting his cat in my lap because it stands on my belly crest to lick my face. It’s gross.

January 12th

Today, Paul Ryan’s terrible wife found out about our intense love affair. She leaves him the day before Paul is supposed to be induced into labor (because he’s stupid and refuses an Epidural). God, what a terrible person.

January 13th

2:04pm

I break into Paul Ryan’s room after his wife abandons her pregnant husband. The doctor says, “Paul has to push but he won’t.”

“It hurts! I can’t do this!” the Speaker of the House screams with his feet in stirrups.

I kneel down and whisper, “I know you despise affordable healthcare, sex ed, abortion rights. But god damnit, Paul. I love you. Even though you’re a Republican. So take the effing epidural.”

2:18pm

In the hospital room. My boyfriend Speaker Paul Ryan is about to give birth.
“Chloe! I can’t take drugs, I have a birth plan!”
“The hell, Paul! Come on. Take the drugs.”
“No.”

2:25pm

“PAUL TAKE YOUR DRUGS OR I WILL SLEEP WITH BARACK!”
He takes the epidural.

January 21st

12:45pm

It has been a blissful week since Paul and I took home our baby. Yes, our baby. His wife has not come back to take custody.

We’ve named him Tucker Putin Ryan. The middle name is my fault. Donald Trump came into the delivery room wielding a Russian transcript, saying he lost a bet. Then Donald Trump cried a lot. All I could hear was blubbering about ‘family values’ and ‘China–chi-na.’

Idk. My due date is next week. Yikes.

 

#paulryan #lovestory #PaulRyanLoveStory

Dear Hillary Clinton

Hi! This is Chloe over in Indianapolis, Indiana. I am here to get a few things off my chest.

I think you should reevaluate how you can appeal to young voters, specifically those that have indicated they would vote for Senator Bernie Sanders in the primary election. I am a great brain to pick, as I am a female Bernie Sanders supporter. I have campaigned for Senator Sanders for several months now, and I am here to tell you how disappointed I was at what Madeline Albright and Gloria Steinem said about women like me. Really, people should be proud to see women voting for whoever they choose! So long ago, we didn’t have that right.

Why are we going to hell because we won’t vote for you? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I had to support every woman simply because that is her gender identity and we share it?? Should I support Ann Coulter too? How about Sarah Palin or Carly Fiorina? It is so ridiculous that women are being shamed for their voting preferences in 2016. If I want to vote for someone, gender has nothing to do with it.

And as for Gloria Steinem—I will save the seat next to me in Hell for Steinem and her sexist bullshit. To say that I only campaign for Bernie because that is where the boys are? Too many assumptions. And here I will destroy her nonsense:

  1. Many women DGAF about guys
  2. Many women are indeed lesbians, asexual, or celibate
  3. “Yeah, I’m DTF 😉 Let me finish passing out these fliers and voter registration cards,” said no one ever.
  4. Also: “I’m so glad I’m meeting all these single, available, democratic socialists! It was really worth three hours of canvassing and phone banking!” Yeah, right.
  5. *Shocker* Women are passionate about politics, too

I love reading about politics. Admittedly, I am not a political wizard, but I do know that you can’t keep attacking women to get their vote. You can’t expect things to be handed to you because of gender, and many of your accomplishments weren’t handed to you! I will settle in for a good term if you win the election because you aren’t a bad person. I admire you. You are just worried you don’t have it in the bag. I want more thoughtful, honest women elected, but not just because they are female. Because they are great Americans.

 

 

Thank you, and please make Bernie your running mate if you win the primary. You will get all the young voters. #electiongoals