The Itsy Bitsy Suicide (Long Poem) Pt. I

When my grandmother abandoned me
on a Friday night, I was watching
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I was on the couch, the small loveseat my father
bought when he moved to Fishers–
It was our weekend together.
Friday, August 20th
2009.
I thought, I haven’t heard from her in awhile. I’ll
call
tomorrow.

My father, never one to push
me, shook me awake that night. Whispered.
Cried with me as he said she had a heart attack.
Her legs over the side of the bed. Small, fat body motionless.
God, I cried. Like my heart had burst. I had put all my dreams
into her, like she was my Easter Basket.

I remember
her touching my hair one Easter, saying
how thick and beautiful it was.

Right now, I can’t explain it. The anger and pain
for a woman I knew only five or so years. Mother loves to
say how terrible she was, how crazy, how…
the list goes on.
I want to forget the list. Tell me something good.
Tell me
tell me that time she made you tea, sewed your wedding dress.
Remember the soccer game, when I made brownies
and she was diabetic but
ate them anyway? Remember when we went to
Florida
Grandpa couldn’t drive well
so she had to? Remember when
on September 26th, 2007 I got
my period, and later you, me, and her
went to Target, bought a 7 dollar t-shirt?

I accidentally put the cardboard applicator in,
and we laughed, like you expect
the Golden Girls to
laugh. With their
bosoms, with their
shiny hair.

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The Clitoris (by Nikky Finney)

about_photo
is 9 cm deep
in the pelvis,
Most of it is scrunched & hidden
New studies show
the shy curl
to be longer
than the penis,
but like Africa,
the continent,
it is never drawn
to size.
Mapmakers, and the others, who draw
important things for a living,
do not want us to know this.
In some females,
the clitoris stretches,
unfurls,
8 in,
with 2 to 3.5
in, shaft free,
outside the body.
The longest clitoris of record
has been found in the blue whale.
In water
desire can rise,
honor sea levels,
ignore land-locked
cartographers.
In water,
desire  refuses retreat.

Thoughts While Watching a Homoerotic Movie for the First Time

 

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Watching: Weekend

Rating: R (drugs, sex, and cursing, oh my!)

Summary: A 2011 British romantic drama film directed by Andrew Haigh. The film stars Tom Cullen and Chris New as two men who meet and begin a sexual relationship the week before one of them plans to leave the country.


  1. Wow, the main character doesn’t look or act gay… Definitely played by a straight man.
  2. He’s so shy. Do his friends and family know he’s gay?
  3. Who makes the first move in a gay nightclub? The more dominant one? The taller one?
  4. Russell is taking coffee to his ONS…
  5. Wow, they are super cute together.
  6. When Russell says he doesn’t like anal sex, I think he’s lying to himself.
  7. Oooh, does admitting you like anal sex make you “too gay” in Russell’s eyes? Maybe bc penetration is animalistic and final.
  8. People yell ‘queer’ at gay people’s windows? God, it’s 2011 when this was made. Get a grip.
  9. If people knew Russell was gay, would they still let him lifeguard? I’m not sure… In America… not sure either.
  10. Ooohh, Russ is texting Glen… Definitely wants the D.
  11. [In the locker room, when these guys are getting descriptive about having sex with a woman] How isolating that must be. You have to hear about something you can’t relate to at all. If I was in his situation, I would feel ashamed at being different and uncomfortable.Weekend-1
  12. It’s like they don’t know how to act around each other now that they’ve met again. And it’s so odd because I’m used to thinking of it as a male-female thing.
  13. They are at Russ’s place. Russ is making tea. Glen takes off his jacket, casually feeling out Russ to see if he wants to have sex. Glen is assertive. I like this.
  14. “You think talking about sex is dirty?” says Glen. Very interesting question. I like Glen a lot now, because I see him as very sexually progressive. He also makes a valid point when he says, “Gay people never talk about [their sex life] in public. I think it’s because they’re ashamed.”
  15. You definitely figure out who you want to be through sex.weekend04
  16. The sex scene: I was definitely aroused. Is this weird? I feel guilty or ashamed. But at the same time, I loved how happy they were when they had sex/made love.
  17. I wonder if I find it sexy because they both fit the masculine stereotype? I don’t know if I’d be as aroused if their voices were higher or their jawline more pronounced.
  18. Russ doesn’t look happy after sex. He cleans off the semen, which is a gentle rejection of Glen. And when they kiss, it’s clear Glen wants more.
  19. The news: very sad. Glen tries to stifle his passion.
  20. The word “faggot” is a source of pride for Glen, but a source of shame for Russ.
  21. They can’t kiss in a bar. That’s so sad.
  22. NOOO!! Don’t do coke! Coke is bad for you!
  23. I totally understand what Russ is saying about marriage. It’s so wonderful to say that you love someone despite what others think. And to decide to spend the rest of your life together…
  24. No, Glen! Don’t break Russell’s heart!!
  25. Wow, to let Glen be top is a really big step for Russ–it means trust.
  26. At first, I thought Glen wanted a relationship. Now Russ wants one.
  27. Russ feels so awkward at his goddaughter’s party.
  28. I don’t want Russ to try to persuade Glen to leave. I want Glen to admit he doesn’t want to go to America because he loves Russ. weekend
  29. Aw. They don’t get together. But I think that’s the most realistic ending. Not everyone can be i n a relationship. It’s great that Glen wants to finally pursue his dream. And maybe they’ll get together eventually, who knows?

Bird / Boy

I know a boy whose hair lies like one coffee-colored bird—
the wings hang over his ears
and its large head-beak nestles into his brow,
murkising his forehead and eyes.
The bird stays still as the boy—so beautiful
he is an angel—
tells me he is untouched.

I blink. His full lips pale.
How is he a virgin?
I take off my blouse and reveal
myself.

And as I reach to brush the wing
behind his ear
(so as to touch his face),
the bird startles.
Worlds wake up—

MAK MAK MAKAW!
MAK MAK MAKAW!

Stunted wings
clip me,
as bird
boy rises

Together they lift off into nothing,
and I am left
with my blouse open
Wondering.

That Man

I wanted to rub the ointment

into your skin but instead you asked

that man.

That man who never

Dressed your flailing body

Brushed

Braided

Bowed     your hair

That man who preferred

looking

at other young

girls—

maybe boys too who knows—

instead of watching over his kin

 

That man who struck me

while my belly was big as a melon—

Now you wanna hold arms

with that man

like a lady

in the park

Now you’re calling him up

Every month

To buy your

Needs

 

That isn’t right

to trust that man.

You know.

 

In some years

you’ll be out of bows and braids

Wearing another pretty dress.

And you’ll be going to buy

Your babies

Needs

like it’s properly done.

And I’ll be in my chair

Waiting.

Waiting for that man

who’s never gonna touch my kin.

I am sure of that.