Paul Ryan isn’t running for re-election (The Paul Ryan Diaries)

Note: This is an update to the Paul Ryan Diaries I started last year. It is long overdue, and I’m sorry. The narrator in no way expresses all my opinions but is a character based off of me. This is entirely fictional.

April 11th, 2018

Well, dear diary. We meet again. You have been my confidant but my enemy. I have no idea why I am even writing. Except there has been a lot of shit going on.

1. I have two fucking one-year-olds. They want to cry all the time. I don’t know if I mentioned it, but my daughter’s name is Michelle. Paul got mad because he has a tiff with Michelle Obama. He says it’s because she married Obama, who is apparently a Muslim according to Republicans. I don’t think that’s the reason. I snooped in his phone, and he texted Schumer that he thought she looked glorious in her pregnancy photos. Don’t tell him I know that.
2. I am graduating from college soon. At the age of 23. And my only object is to be the trashy Plainfield girlfriend who looks after the kids. I do love my children. Tucker is as mopey as Michelle.
3. Paul is not running for re-election.

//players.brightcove.net/293884104/SJa0Thl7_default/index.html?videoId=5269456978001

He said it. He consulted me. I think it’s pretty clear what has happened. The Prez looks as guilty as Mark Zuckerburg during the confessional hearings. Ha! As if Teddie Cruz is a priest. I miss making fun of Ted. The only thing he’s done worthwhile is like a porn tweet. 😦 I expected more (porn) from you, Ted. I expected more.

When the Speaker got home, we played a nice game of Twister, if you get my jist. 😉 Guess that’s not very subtle. We did it. I did it with my boyfriend. It was very good. I am a sex goddess. He told me so. He was in a great mood after announcing his retirement. He danced when he saw me.

He said, “Chloe. You are beautiful. Will you do me the honor…”

Here I froze. He wasn’t going to propose naked, was he? On the other hand, I quite liked the scene where Pierce Brosnan showers Halle Berry in diamonds while in a devilish position.

“…of having another baby with me?”

I could not find words. I was very disappointed that he did not want to marry me. In truth, I had already started a Pinterest board of wedding ideas. Kim Kardashian and Jane Fonda were invited. Kanye could fuck himself. I do not forgive him for the Taylor Swift incident.

“Paul,” I finally said. “Are you of this planet? I just gave birth–we both gave birth–a year ago. We got two freakin’ kids. The only way I pacify them is by shoving iPads down their throats and threatening them with Catholic school. Not like they understand, but it soothes me.”

“But you know I want a big family.”

“What, you want a repeat of the Duggars? You know how that shit ended. I am keeping my little friend, Miss IUD,” I concluded.

“Don’t I get to play a part in this?”

“You know how you compared fetuses to beans? Well, I like beans. In moderation. But there is a reason edamame is not as popular as wine and chocolate.”

“I consider children more like green beans,” he admitted.

“Do they have the bacon and grease in them?”

“No. I only have 6%-8% body fat, and I don’t want to lose my figure.”

“Then no children. There aren’t enough pots to cook them in,” I said.

“How many pots do we need??”

“MORE THAN TWO POTS, PAUL RYAN!”

And then we went to bed. Well, I went on the sofa. Paul still has nightmares about Putin. Something about how he’s stealing all his stilettos and he has nothing to wear to the Zombie-themed prom.

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A real man

You know what I want? I want a real man. A man’s man. A godly man, sculpted from clay, molded, shaped. I don’t want a skinny thing who smokes in the bathroom or a fucktard who has to get high to watch a movie with me. I want someone to carry me over the threshold. Someone to build a snowman with, who’ll help me practice my lines. I need a man who needs cold showers when he’s around me. Someone that desires me as much as I desire him. Someone who will put his unshaven face close to mine and breathe me in. I don’t need a mess of a boy trying to find himself. I’ve already found myself, and it wouldn’t be a fair race. No, I’m done with boys. They think a girl has all the time in the world, that she’ll be there waiting for them when they get off their asses. I can’t wait anymore. Do you know how old I am? Too old to be dealing with bullshit. I want someone who’ll call me first, who’ll deal with my mother. I want a guy who could beat someone within an inch of their life if they tried to touch me. That sounds extreme, but I’m done caring. You don’t waste time with boys anymore. They hurt you, they beat you, they take all your feelings and they chew them up and spit them out. Don’t waste your time with bad people.

Leaves

The layered leaves
Have turned away from me

Their veins shoot from
The brutal heart of thee

And when such veins
Crawl into the maple tree

It means ye turned away from me
And left my leaves to burn

Better luck next time

Note: this is political satire. paul ryan is, sadly, not cheating on his wife with me.

March 26th

9am

So I’m watching TV in my cute little pajamas, eating ice cream with rum (sorry, mom) and some good ol’ Fox television when some orange bimbo comes on and says that the repeal of Obamacare failed because of Paul!

“Paul Ryan needs to step down as speaker of the House,” Pirro said. “The reason? He failed to deliver the votes on his health care bill. The one trumpeted to repeal and replace Obamacare. The one that he had seven years to work on. The one he hid under lock and key in the basement of Congress. The one that had to be pulled to prevent the embarrassment of not having enough votes to pass.”

Well, you know what, Ms. Pirro? Paul Ryan is an excellent speaker of the House! The reason? He’s a good man and an even better lover. Yes, Obamacare is terrible because it actually helps many people around the United States. Yes, no one should experience that much freedom or get coverage despite previous conditions. No one should feel safe in America. And Paul knows that. So it takes more than 7 years? So what. It took me 22 years to find Paul.

11am

Speaking of freedom, I have nothing to do. I’m terribly lonely. I went to the store one day to buy some chocolate and get some baby food, and I found myself talking to the store clerk for 15 minutes. Paul is rarely home now that Donald is finally being presidential. His wife is supposed to sign the divorce papers soon, though.

Are We Still Strangers

 

I can no longer be this person
who smiles
reads novels,
hair tied tight—
then loose—
Hair and jeans and other things.

Morning
Never slept. Just listened
to the snores of a stranger.
—Or are we still strangers, as he has seen me?

This is not me or my body.

 

i am going to shower
again.

Stream of consciousness #1

Stream of consciousness is a technique common to most writers–it’s also the scariest. Who wants to risk putting on paper what they really feel? I know it makes me uncomfortable, and like many others, I tend to mentally edit my thought process before I pen it. But I thought it might make me go to sleep, show some of the things I’ve been ruminating on, and help demonstrate SOC.

Forgive the lack of grammar. 

---

It is dark in this room where I sleep with the roommate who told me she thought period blood was gross. for some reason this makes me hurt and ashamed, as i am a woman and i am proud. where is the tent, where women go and commemorate this sacred ritual? in the trashcan, where it is wrapped up and flushed and forgotten. screw you all who ask their women and girls to cover up their blood. it is us! it is us and our body and why should we hide? if there is a god, ‘he’ made us this way to give life. yet somehow i am ashamed like i did something wrong, and if i did should i apologize? i say sorry too much. i say sorry for the blood and the sex without love and the love that is greedy and everything i do bad. or think i do bad. sometimes i do not see the sun, only concrete as i stare down, too ashamed to look up. climb the trees. i should do that. then i would see everything like i used to. i knew so much pain when i did, but all things seem stupid or meaningless when you are looking out from a tree you spent years climbing and knowing…

i want to cry, but i don’t know how. i want to feel badness so i can feel empty and then i can fill myself up with joy. where is joy. i guess it is in other people and i find it there occasionally. but mostly thats disappointment. or hurt. i don’t want to be hurt anymore. it’s like hands recoiling. when you are hurt too much, you don’t know. and it becomes easy to walk alone eat alone read read take in and never be with people never sit down with a best friend and giggle or hold hands with anyone.

this coughing is taking away my soul. here she moves, my roommate, and makes a noise in her sleep. i try not to wake her but what can i do with this soul sucking going on? she never speaks. only murmurs.

The Letter: An Outtake

This is an outtake from the book I’ve been trying to write. 

 

xoxoxo

The day had been long. Susan was tired of this day, where people stared and whispered and mocked. She was exhausted by all the careful planning she had done, and angered when it had fallen through. Now she wanted peace and comfort.

Susan stared at the note in careful concentration. There was no salutation or address.

I can’t tell you how much you mean to me. I won’t try. You are the best thing I had, and nothing can ever change that.

Be back soon!

I love you.

Dad

She had long ago memorized every word of every sentence on the paper. No differentiation of tone or hidden meaning of phrase was to be discovered. Today, she simply stared at the strokes of the pen in the letter ‘I’, and ‘l’, and ‘e’. The ‘v’ and ‘u’ were nothing special. But it was the ‘y’ that always captivated her—she could see him clearly in her mind, writing out “I love you” on the flimsy page. The curve of the letter was stained with excess ink. He had stopped. She could feel it.

Susan closed her eyes, and thought of his hands pausing over then-smooth paper.

He was thinking about how he didn’t have to do this. He didn’t have to write this letter. He could go back and scribble it all out. He could burn it in the fire. He could throw it in the trash, and return to his room, kiss his wife and child goodnight, and sleep it all away.

Still, he paused.

He looked down and saw the black ink pooling on the paper, and he finished the ‘y’. The ‘-ou’ accompanied it.

It didn’t matter what the words were or what they meant. She had ceased to care. All that mattered was the jet-black ink stain in the middle of the ‘y’ on that crinkly old paper. This was proof that her father loved her. Maybe still loved her. She didn’t know if he was alive or not, and told herself it was irrelevant.

Some nights though, Susan would open that little drawer in her desk and stare at the paper. Around here, paper was rare. It was fitting that her father should put to pen his last thoughts. Not many did━when someone escaped, you knew why. And you knew where.

Susan rubbed her fingers across the edges and placed the sentiment in the drawer with a soft swoosh. If her mother found it, she would not be happy.

Drabble #1

This is something I wrote about a year ago, and I cannot get rid of it.

It is in moments like this that I remember how much I loved you, and how much you wanted to be loved. I can understand the feeling of standing at the cliff above the sea rocks, slightly registering the flecks of water on your face. It’s darker behind you, and the sea seems serene. And you cannot wipe away the recollection of failures, or the hope of a warm body to hold.

That was me. That is you. And I’m telling you that the storm is temporary, for nothing is permanent in this realm. Forge through the snow, and come with me. I will love you and not ask anything in return.

~Chloe Sell

Character Development Template

Authors always have a firm idea about who their characters are, but occasionally, they get stuck on the little things. For those who want to create a badass heroine (or villain), or just need a break from the stressful stuff, here you go!

Mandatory Questions

1. What about you is heroic?
2. What about you is social? What do you like about people?
3. Of what benefit could you be to the current group?
4. Why would you choose to join the current group?
5. Invent an adventure/plot that your character would actively undertake (as opposed to just tagging along)?

Personal Questions

1. What is your real, birth name? What name do you use?
2. Do you have a nickname? What is it, and where did you get it?
3. What do you look like? (Include height, weight, hair, eyes, skin, apparent age, and distinguishing features)
4. How do you dress most of the time?
5. How do you “dress up?”
6. How do you “dress down?”
7. What do you wear when you go to sleep?
8. Do you wear any jewelry?
9. In your opinion, what is your best feature?
10. What’s your real birth date?
11. Where do you live? Describe it: Is it messy, neat, avant-garde, sparse, etc.?
12. Do you own a car? Describe it.
13. What is your most prized mundane possession? Why do you value it so much?
14. What one word best describes you?

Familial Questions 

1. What was your family like?
2. Who was your father, and what was he like?
3. Who was your mother, and what was she like?
4. What was your parents’ marriage like? Were they married? Did they remain married?
5. What were your siblings names? What were they like?
6. What’s the worst thing one of your siblings ever did to you? What’s the worst thing you’ve done to one of your siblings?
7. When’s the last time you saw any member of your family? Where are they now?
8. Did you ever meet any other family members? Who were they? What did you think of them?

Childhood Questions

1. What is your first memory?
2. What was your favorite toy?
3. What was your favorite game?
4. Any non-family member adults stick out in your mind? Who were they, and how did you know them? Why do they stick out?
5. Who was your best friend when you were growing up?
6. What is your fondest, childhood memory?
7. What is your worst childhood memory?

Adolescent Questions

1. How old were you when you went on your first date?
2. It is common for one’s view of authority to develop in their adolescent years. What is your view of authority, and what event most affected it?
3. What were you like in high school? What “clique” did you best fit in with?
4. What were your high school goals?
5. Who was your idol when you were growing up? Who did you first fantasize about in your life?
6. What is your favorite memory from adolescence?
7. What is your worst memory from adolescence?

Occupational Questions

1. Do you have a job? What is it? Do you like it? If no job, where does your money come from?
2. What is your boss or employer like? (Or publisher, or agent, or whatever.)
3. What are your co-workers like? Do you get along with them? Any in particular? Which ones don’t you get along with?
4. What is something you had to learn that you hated?
5. Do you tend to save or spend your money? Why?

Likes & Dislikes Questions

1. What hobbies do you have?
2. Who is your closest mundane friend? Describe them and how you relate to them.
3. Who is your worst mundane enemy? Describe them and why you don’t get along.
4. What bands do you like? Do you even pay attention?
5. What tape or CD hasn’t left your player since your purchased it? Why?
6. What song is “your song?” Why?
7. What’s been your favorite movie of all time?
8. Read any good books? What were they?
9. What do you watch on the Television?
10. When it comes to mundane politics, do you care? If so, which way do you tend to vote? If not, why don’t you care?
11. What type of places do you hang out in with your mundane friends?
12. What type of places do you hang out in with your normal friends?
13. What annoys you more than anything else?
14. What would be the perfect gift for you?
15. What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?
16. What time of day is your favorite?
17. What kind of weather is your favorite?
18. What is your favorite food? What is your least favorite food?
19. What is your favorite drink? (Coffee, Coke, Juice, Beer, Wine, etc.)
20. What’s your favorite animal? Why?
21. Do you have any pets? Do you want any pets? What kind?
22. What do you find most relaxing? (Not as in stress relief, but as something that actually calms you down.)
23. What habit that others have annoys you most?
24. What kind of things embarrass you? Why?
25. What don’t you like about yourself?
26. How would you like to look?

Sex & Intimacy Questions

1.  Would you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, or something else? Why?
2. Who was the first person you had sex with? When did it happen? What was it like? How well did it go?
3. Have you ever had a same-sex experience? Who with, what was it like, and how did it go?
4. What is your deepest, most well-hidden sexual fantasy? Would you ever try it?
5. What was the wildest thing you’ve ever done, sexually? Who was it with and when did it happen?
6. Is there any sexual activity that you enjoy and/or practice regularly that can be considered non-standard? (Bondage, Fantasy Play, etc.) Why do you like it?
7. Is there any sexual activity that you will not, under any circumstances, do?
8. Do you currently have a lover? What is their name, and what is your relationship like? What are they like? Why are you attracted to them?
9. What is the perfect romantic date?
10. Describe the perfect romantic partner for you.
11. Do you ever want to get married and have children? When do you see this happening?
12. What is more important – sex or intimacy? Why?
13. What was your most recent relationship like? Who was it with? (Does not need to be sexual, merely romantic.)
14. What’s the worst thing you’ve done to someone you loved?

Drug & Alcohol Questions

1. How old were you when you first got drunk? What was the experience like?
2. Did anything good come out of it? Did anything bad come out of it?
3. Do you drink on any kind of regular basis?
4. What kind of alcohol do you prefer?
5. Have you ever tried any other kind of “mood altering” substance? Which one(s)? What did you think of each?
6. What do you think of drugs and alcohol? Are there any people should not do? Why or why not?

Morality Questions

1. What one act in your past are you most ashamed of? What one act in your past are you most proud of?
2. Have you ever been in an argument before? Over what, with who, and who won?
3. Have you ever been in a physical fight before? Over what, with who, and who won?
4. What do you feel most strongly about?
5. What do you pretend to feel strongly about, just to impress people?
6. What trait do you find most admirable, and how often do you find it?
7. Is there anything you think should not be incorporated into the media or art (sex, violence, greed, etc.,)? If so, what and why, and if not, why not?
8. Do you have any feelings in general that you are disturbed by? What are they? Why do they disturb you?
9. What is your religious view of things? What religion, if any, do you call your own?
10. Do you think the future is hopeful? Why?
11. Is an ounce of prevention really worth a pound of cure? Which is more valuable? Why do you feel this way?
12. What’s the worst thing that can be done to another person? Why?
13. What’s the worst thing you could actually do to someone you hated?
14. Are you a better leader or follower? Why do you think that? If you think the whole leader-follower archetype is a crock of shit, say so, and explain why?
15. What is your responsibility to the world, if any? Why do you think that?
16. Do you think redemption is possible? If so, can anyone be redeemed, or are there only certain circumstances that can be? If not, why do you think nothing can redeem itself?
17. Is it okay for you to cry? When was the last time you cried?
18. What do you think is wrong with MOST people, overall?

Miscellaneous Questions

1. What is the thing that has frightened you most? Do you think there is anything out there that’s scarier than that? What do you think that would be?
2. Has anyone or anything you’ve ever cared about died? How did you feel about it? What happened?
3. What was the worst injury you’ve ever received? How did it happen?
4. How ticklish are you? Where are you ticklish?
5. What is your current long term goal?
6. What is your current short term goal?
7. Do you have any bad habits? If so, what are they, and do you plan to get rid of them?
8. If you were a mundane person, what would you do with your life? What occupation would you want, and how would you spend all your time?
9. What time period do you wish you had lived in? Why? (Looking at this as an attempt to change history doesn’t count.) What appeals to you about this era?
10. How private of a person are you? Why?
11. If you were to gain an obscenely large sum of money (via an inhertiance, a lawsuit, a lottery, or anything else) what would you do with it?
12. What would you wish for if you found a genie?
13. What do you do when you are bored?
14. What is the most frightening potential handicap or disfigurement you can conceive of? What makes it so frightening?